Horrible Thoughts

by LESLEY
(UK)

Hi, just to let you know, you are not alone! I have suffered from these thoughts too. I lost my mam when she was only 46 and I did not notice that is when my OCD started. 7 years later, I started obsessing with my husband past and I used to have images of him with other women. Then it started to get thoughts about my dad and that's when I started thinking that I wished he was dead. These thoughts give me panic attacks and I ended up going to my general practitioner and he put me on PROZAC 20MG. I was on these for a few years and also had counseling. Everything was fine for a few years and then to my surprise, I was stressed at work and I could feel myself starting to panic. I was afraid these thoughts would come back- I made them come back by worrying about them so much that I could not cope. I tried to replace the death thoughts about my dad to myself - I would wish myself dead instead of my dad as I knew I did not want to die. But now I think this thought everyday and it really upsets me, as I ask myself, "what if I really do want to die?", and my body goes into a panic and it makes me cry as this has now become, what my general practitioner says is instructive thought. I have gone back on my meds to try and help with the anxiety so, what was supposed to be a replacement thought, turned out to be an instructive thought that has ruined my life.