I have Emetophobia.

by Karlie
(MN, USA )

My name is Karlie, and I am 15 years old... And my whole life I have suffered from Emetophobia. I can't remember a time when I wasn't scared of someone throwing up or myself getting sick. It consumes my life... I can't find anyone that truly understands how I feel so I turned to online forums to try and find someone to talk to about it. I don't even know where to begin... I mean, someone will cough a little too hard and I'll panic and think they're going to get sick. My little sisters will tell me they don't feel good and I will run away and call my older siblings or my parents and they'll have to leave work to help me because I can't myself... During the winter months when people start getting sick a lot... I will start having dreams about people around me and my family getting sick, and I won't touch door handles or use the bathroom at school or any public place... I hate snow and the cold because it's a perfect place for germs. At least... That's what I think. This last year two days before my 15th, my older sister got the stomach flu.. And I share a room with her. I stopped eating, as per usual, and I didn't sleep in my room or use the door handle. I stayed as far away from her as I could, but I felt so off ends and nauseus because I was thinking omg I'm going to get sick too. Or someone else is going to then the whole family ect ect... She got sick in the middle of the night and I had a panic attack and went to get my mom.. I didn't sleep that night, or the following 2 nights. I've tried getting therapy and I feel like it made things worse. I'm going to try again with someone else and hopefully it will help me because I don't want to live my every day life in fear anymore. I hate hating myself for being scared of something so normal.. And something you cannot hide from. No Matter how many times I have run away from my fesr... It follows and consumes me...I hate the feeling of having an attack... When someone starts getting sick I hear it and I can't breathe and I cover my ears and close my eyes while they sting from tears that start pouring out.. I can't think or calm myself down... My mind is going a million miles per hour just constantly saying over and over "they're throwing up" and "you're not in control" I have my days where I break down because I wish I didn't have it and I feel so sorry do anyone else that does because it is horrible to live your life every day in fear... It gets in the way of my grades, my friends... My family.. I don't know what to do anymore... Or who to go to for help that has Emetophobia and truly understands what it's like.