My intrusive violent thoughts

by Elena
(Bristol, UK)

Hi,

I have been checking your website for a while now and its the first time I find relieve each time I read it, even if I have to read and re-read again and again every time I get a 'funny intrusive thoughts' moment.
The first time I had intrusive thoughts it was when I was 22 and broke up with a boyfriend who didn't take it very well and decided to harass me, follow me to uni, class, throw things at my back garden, etc. I had to call the police on him and then he stopped. Then my mum took me to the doctors and prescribed me fluoxetine for my anxiety. Years passed and I felt better, the thoughts had disappeared... I was in another relationship when I finished it and I moved to my own apartment alone and I felt so brave I didn't need the fluoxetine as I was feeling fine. 3 months after I was surprised again by intrusive thoughts, 6 years had passed without having them...went to the doctors again and was put back on fluoxetine, took 4 months to settle down and for the thoughts to disappear. Last year in May (3 years after the last intrusive thoughts 'surprise') I had a car accident not major but someone bumped into the back of my hire car as I was on a business trip in the states and my colleague who was with be got very scared and wouldn't get back in the car, then at the end of that business week our plane back home had to turn back due to an electrical failure, we were so scared and it landed and the plane wheels went side ways, I don't know how I took the plane the following day back home but I did, of course full of anxiety the whole 10 hours flight. And few days after I got back it hit me again, intrusive violent thoughts of killing my loved ones, hurting myself, afraid of going crazy and do something crazy that will hurt people... of course, the contrary of what I am, I am a very caring and loving person. I was then still on fluoxetine and it took me 2 months to get over the thoughts (but I panic still in major motorways when someone drives very close to the back of my car so if I don't have to use them I don't).... Only a few days ago I got back from another business trip and I fainted on the way back on the plane, exhaustion the doctor said, I had been off fluoxetine since the summer as I want to have a baby and the doctor said I don't need the drugs but counselling which I am going to. Thing is that it was a week ago since I fainted and got scared again so my mind has gone back to having intrusive violent thoughts. and I get so frustrated and fed up and get scared thinking ' what if I do those things?, they seem so real in my mind ,like a whole horror movie inside my head, it feels like impulses which terrify me. Is there any word of advice you could give me to distract myself from this? Thank you so much.