My Self Esteem is Holding Me Back

by Tired of Fighting

From a child I was never good enough,I was told through anger that I was put on earth to create pain. I was never able to finish anything I ever started, and anything I did was re-done because it wasn't done correctly, and it was all my fault. It was my fault I never finished that model, and it was my fault the grass was not cut correctly or the bed quilt wasn't perfectly straight when I tried to make it, I was 6 or 7. When I attempted to do something for myself that I was very proud of I was told in a patronising manner, "wow, how great it was" only to be told an hour later through anger that whatever I did, or how I did my hair looked actually stupid, not good as I was first told, I think I was ten. I started not to try anymore, why bother? It would never be done right and I was never expected to amount to anything. Pushed through school just to get out to get a job and leave the house so "her" life could begin. After two years of working I started a business cutting lawns, and my parent was my boss. Screaming, did I make those phone calls, making noise in the office so I would know she was doing the work I was suppose to be doing. I never had a chance to get to it before her, since she arouse at 5 or 5:30 a.m. on the weekends, basically telling me without speaking that I was incapable. Even the way I would walk through the house was judged, "Boom Boom Boom, do you have to walk so hard, you're going to come through my ceiling." I was never right, everything I did was wrong and was put on earth to be a burden. My business thrived because I killed myself working it, and called back clients 2 minutes later out of shear fear that I would lose everything if I didn't, well thats what I was told, (good lord, it sometimes takes my shrink 2 to 3 days to get back to me.) I did that for so long and stressed so much that it eventually got me sick, sick for years and not weeks. I was bedridden for one solid year running my business from my teenage bedroom. Yes the illness came out of mental stress and work overload and for that reason I received zero support, friends didn't care or couldnt understand, and I was actually told I got sick to make her life misserable, blamed again. There was anger and tension through the house because I couldn't move from my bed, and I'm sorry, I was so scared but I just couldnt will myself to health no matter how hard I tried :(...(to shorten this up) I found a specialist and through hard work got healthy and created a nice business. Learning on my own how to create nice landscapes, I'm self taught in irrigation, lighting, engineered retaining walls, patio's and drainage. I had 3 trucks 2 crews, $250,000 in equiptment, and it meant NOTHING. I fell in love got married, the stress of the business was tearing us apart, so I sold some of it (fast version) and ran someone elses business. Economy crumbled I lost my job, my wife spent all our money unbenowst to me. Now I'm divorced. Since the illness I have been riddled with panic, high anxiety, tons of therapy and not an ounce of self esteem. I need this component in my life to see my achievments, to feel good about what I can and have done. I went back to school to create a new life and I'm holding a 4.0 GPA but in the back of my head I'm thinking the professors are making grading errors or they just like me. I'm not here slamming my parent, she did the best she could, I'm not holding her accountable as I need to move forward. Her focus was on food and survival, and she thrived at it. Helping me financially at every turn and for that I am truly grateful. She is still here helping me at every turn, and anything she can do financially to support my efforts she does whole heartedly. We just basically grew up together and I was her annoying little brother who always got in the way. Every time I push through something I never grow through it, as my self esteem doesnt see me as doing good, it just says,"im doing what I have to do." I'm so humble to a point of not being able to be proud. If I cannot see my successes I can never build on "feel good" feelings as I never have any, I'm 43 and still feel like that worthless little boy...

Addition to " my self esteem is holding me back "

by Tired of Fighting

I noticed when I make a big stride, or accomplish something by accepting my anxiety, my self esteem boost is short lived as I always find something wrong with something I did while doing it. And its usually a made up scenerio like did I not say hello to someone the correct way or I wonder if I offended him somehow or something else to obsessivley worry about. With this I will obsess it to death killing any self esteem I should have gained by doing something I would not have done 5 years ago. I guess it's understandable if you read my prior post. Its such a trecherous circle and it's all connected somehow, I just wonder if I will ever get where I long to be.