OCD and Depression

by V. Laguna
( Mairate, GA. US)

It started when I messed up in my relationship after that I had so many things I didnt realize about me. Saw all the things that where wrong with me. It made me feel hopeless, faithless. I felt lost, scared, mad...everything. I tried blaming others. I think evil, scary things now all the time and it is making me feel that there is no hope, like I messed up with God. Now I'm scared I might not get a chance because to be honest, I tend to be lazy sometimes. I dont want to change because I dont know how. Im scared to grow up or fail so Im stuck, plus I dont want to ruin other people lives. I want to make God proud but I feel like all the things that I thought of disappoints Him. All this kills me inside. I never thought this way, its like...I'll be sad then angry. I dont want to blame God or anyone. This is my fault, I need to take responsibility. Now Im always scared that I'll think mean thoughts or I'll mess up again. I dont know how to move forward with God.

Hello V. Laguna,

I'm sure you've heard the phrase, "nobody's perfect". Well, that applies to you too! As much as we want to do good all the time, we make mistakes and this is completely acceptable, even in our relationship with God. God knows your heart. I am sure He knows it all. He sees your pain and knows how much you don't like this about yourself. Change is something that comes through the day-by-day choices we make. You start by taking baby steps and then as you get better, you take bigger steps towards change. Change is never easy when it comes to OCD and Depression. However, if you are persistent each day by doing what is necessary to get better, you will see yourself improve as time goes on. many people have the fear of failure and this keeps them stuck from moving forward and growing. It is through making mistakes that we grow and learn about ourselves, our lives and others. And if you are a Christian, you also grow to understand what it means to accept God's unconditional love and grace. You want to please God? Then scriptures tell us in Hebrews 11:6 that it begins with faith. Faith is a choice - a choice we make regardless of how we feel or think. Through making this your first choice each day, you can start new with God. There is an excellent book called, The Search For Significance: Seeing Your True Worth Through God's Eyes by Robert S. McGee and another great book is
Learning to Tell Myself the Truth by William Backus, Ph.D. Both of these books helped me to look at my struggles differently and helped point me in the right direction. If you cannot purchase them, be sure to get them at your local library.
Hang in there! Remember, one day at a time. There will be good days and bad days but just press on and keep moving forward in your journey. Each day, make the choice to trust God for helping you through. Prayer is also a fantastic way to move forward with God - it is our communication with Him that builds this relationship and so it's essential. Romans 8:28 reminds us that "all things work together for good to those who love God", this means ALL THINGS, good and bad.
~ Susan