Sabotage!

by Anthony

My future is at stake. I have fought through tremendous battles of anxiety and worry and started coming through the other side. Unfortunatly my mind has found something else to aid in the destruction of "Me". My therapist says, "I believe I do not deserve happiness". Whether its because I was the reason for my caregivers problems when I was a child and was constantly told I was only here to make their lives horrible, or I was never expected to amount to anything, or my caregiver took every responsibility I had away from me and did it themself because I could not do it right. What ever the reason, I can see myself destroying "Me". I am smart, articulate and very caring yet I cannot "let it shine". For example,I am in severe need to catch up in college as I am behind and I am chipping away at the material on weekends to catch up and I'm trying to stay current during the week, what do you think happens? I tell myself,"if dont get good rest I wont be able to study", so I change it immediately to positive, but my sub-conscious holds it, "I'M BLOCKED!" NO SLEEP! Study cannot be done, I can't comprehend nothing, my mind is holding me back, trying to destroy me....WHY??? It feels so much better when I am learning and being productive yet my mind chooses the route of PAIN! Why do I prefer to fail rather than succeed? I started catching up...feeling good, working through the mind blocks that want to hold me down, yet my mind fishes for a way to destroy until it finds something...as I kick all negative away and start to live, my mind gets extremely creative until I'm in pain and until it wins. I get so angry because I know I'm causing this yet I cannot stop it. Thats when my self esteem gets punished, I feel so out of control, so stupid, I'm stuck in the mud and can"t move, can"t study, just sit and worry...losing my life as every minute passes by. Im alot older (in my 40's)lost my job, I need to be productive, if I fail I dont know what I will do...I'm petrified. The voices from my past haunt me contagiously, "Get up, you are wasting the day, if you dont do anything with your life you will be a nothing!" Why am I so stuck, why can't I move? Why am I so afraid of success and why cant I see that I deserve it? I can almost make myself sick to keep from forging ahead, if my own thought could kill me or cause a heart attack...I would have been gone long ago...