Severe Anxiety and Panic Disorder

by Emma
(Yorkshire, UK)

Four years ago I decided I wanted to move to Canada, on my own. I had been there on vacation several times and loved the place. So I applied for my residency visa and after waiting 3 years I got accepted to live in the province of Nova Scotia. Anyway last August 2010, I was all set to move across there, on my own, leaving my family behind and because I was so anxious I freaked out, had a massive panic attack and could not do it. It was almost like I had an emotional breakdown or I came as close to this as I ever want to anyway. I ended up being sick for several weeks with high anxiety, stress and a bout of depression, because I felt like I had lost my dreams. Anxiety and Depression are illnesses, that I would not wish on anyone and do not want to go through again.

I know, that I was suffering from acute anxiety and high levels of stress at the thought of moving 3000 miles away from my family and that leaving my family was the main cause. I am very close to my parents/family and it felt like a bereavement, as I knew I would not see them very often. They cannot afford to visit me and I would not be able to see them more than once a year. At the moment I see them at least once a week, as they only live 2 miles away and I am very close to them. Anyway a year on, I am thinking of trying to give this another try, as I feel I would regret not going and trying, and I do not want to lose my visa and do not want to have any regrets, but I am unsure as to whether it is the right thing for me, as the anxiety is back and I am struggling to keep this under my control again. The symptoms of anxiety/fear are dreadful and anyone who has never had this just cannot understand. Last year my symptoms were: A feeling like I was losing myself, my confidence was and still is at an all time low. I am not happy in myself anymore. I had muscle aches in my arms, neck and shoulders, I got tension headaches all the time and could not sleep. I was very emotional a lot. I was shaking all over and I felt nauseous. My stress levels were so high the doctor had to bring me down with medication. Now, the muscle aches are back and I am not sleeping properly. I have read lots of self help books on anxiety and how to help myself and having spoken with a counsellor and done the anti-depressants, but nothing seems to help. I am trying to control my thoughts and feelings, which is what causes the negative spiral of thoughts, but I feel like I am headed back to how I was last year and the anxiety is still there and I feel like if I keep pushing myself I am going to have another breakdown. I do not have anything, except my parents where I currently live and feel like I don't really have a life. And believe me, I have tried to do this, I have joined clubs, the gym, internet dating sites and go to work and go to meditation, but still nothing. Everyone I know has partners and kids and do not want to invite someone new into their lives. I know my parents are not going to be around forever, but even this knowledge does not help. I have friends in Nova Scotia who would help me, but they are not family. Nothing seems to help me with the decision. I keep thinking that I can travel on my own without any fear, worry or anxiety, but the thought of moving so far away on my own is so hard and I do not know what to do. I had the thought that I could give it a go for a year or two and if I did not like it come back, but even that makes me anxious, as it means giving up everything. I know deep down that I do not want to be away from my family forever/permanently, so am wondering if this is the right thing for me or not. However, I want to meet new people, make new friends and maybe even meet someone special to share my life with, but feel this will not happen if I cannot make some changes and breakaway from my comfort zone and start something new. But moving away from everyone I love is so difficult.

Am I making a mistake, moving away from family, giving up a decent well paid job and taking a huge life changing risk. Is this the right thing for me. I really don't know anymore, but I don't want to be on my own forever. I am 38 years of age now and have not had many relationships and do not seem to be able to meet anyone near where I live. I want to have a life of my own and meet someone, but I know I will miss my family so much and just feel like I cannot cope with the anxiety anymore. To anyone suffering from this awful illness called anxiety, I completely understand and sympathize wholeheartedly.

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