The Battlegrounds of Anxiety & Depression

by Nicole
(Aurora, Ohio)

Jesus lover, college student, youth leader, worship leader, nanny, education/journalism major, sinner in need of a savior)
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I have been writing for Odyssey online as a journalism experience internship and this is something I wrote recently, it's quite raw and vulnerable which is why I decided to share it here first.





The Battlegrounds of Anxiety & Depression

“Write hard and clear about what hurts” –Ernest Hemingway

She wakes up and she wonders if she’s going to be strong today. She is curious if her body is going to allow her to fight back, if she is going to maintain control over her mind and the thoughts that entangle her, the lies that hold her captive, and the feelings that devour her. She wonders if she is going to be able to keep fighting, to overcome herself and the dark lurking monster that creeps in when she’s weak. She can't do it all herself. Anxiety that invites depression, depression engages the self-inflicted scars, the scars that summon the demeaning lies that then relinquish the cycle to start all over again. Right when you thought you made progress you indulge another mark on your body, all because of the lies. Those scars are ugly but your story has potential to be beautiful, one day maybe those scars will prove you are stronger than those lies you hear. Those scars only reminisce the fact you’re human conceived from the age of Adam in the land of sin. One day there will be no more suffering, He overcomes. He overcame. He fights for you everyday. He fights for me.
She wonders why today is a dark and anxious day already within the first 4 steps out of bed. Why was yesterday sunny and normal and today she’s weak. She wants to pretend she isn’t actually feeling what she is, that she’s not depressed with these overbearing thoughts and sensations, the trembling quakes in her body occurring as the result of the onset of a panic attack beginning to erupt. She tries to trick herself into pretending she wants to get dressed and not crawl back into bed; the alarm went off and it’s time to decide if today she’s going to fight. Lord reign in her. She needs to remember to put on her armor, keep her head up, go brush her teeth, and to overlook the scars when she decides what to wear and tell herself its okay: “I just forgot to fight that day” but today is a different day. She needs to remember that those scars they may not fade, but they do mark of a journey and serve as a reminder, to not let them win. To not let them win and multiply themselves again with the shame and discouragement, resentment and pain they bring. The release the scar brings is only momentary while it comes with the great shed of dark blood; the defeat and regret that accompanies the mess is just another battle gone wrong.
I cannot fight this on my own; He is my strength and my refuge. She needs to remember we all have our battles and every day is just another in the fight, she needs to remember she can’t defeat Goliath without weapons and without the armor of God. The day might be long, hard, and trying, it might try to refute her being and existence; but those are just lies and the same once before, so she must let go and move on in the distance.
Surrender, that word offers quite a large load of profound meaning, concept, and bliss; but the thing is she can’t find the literal action among her wildest consent.
“Take my life Lord and let it be, consecrated all to thee”
Surrender if only she could try a bit harder, remove all her flesh stains and start real raw. If only she could come to humble herself, to allow her great God to reveal Himself. Surrender is just; it is to admit you’re not enough, to acknowledge yourself as weak as you are. To surrender yourself is to tie down your thoughts, to retreat from your desires and remember only God’s. Surrender is to submit yourself unto thee, to give Him your weakness and bow to your knees, humility is key but foreign to flesh…we’re smarter, we’re better, and we know what’s best. Surrender and humble yourself. Stop believing and receiving the lies, start knowing and accepting His grace.
Although it seems tough and although you feel bad, and your mind and your body feel as though they’ve gone mad, keep fighting the battle and surrender yourself. Humility is key when you’ve bowed on your knee. These marks are just battle scars and these days are just seconds in the midst of eternity that fly through to heaven. So remember on your weakest of days and your lowest of times, these things are only moments that remind us to surrender our lives. Keep on keeping on.

Sincerely,
a fighter on the battlegrounds of anxiety and depression.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is my strength and my portion forever” Psalm 73:26