The War Against Myself

by Just like you
(Alabama)

Hi there I am just like you, and I have been dealing with these issues with my self for far to long. Ever since the summer of 2014 I have been living in fear, doubt, anxiety, confusion, frustration, and restlessness. You see every day since then Ive had a panic attack or some other problem I have came and affected my daily life and I just woke up and realized, why do I worry so much? I have had anxiety for scenarios I make up in my mind, I lose sleep because of them, sometimes I even believed my thoughts and this made me panic. I have had symptoms of OCD, Anxiety (extreme), Sleep Issues, Depression, Manic Episodes, PTSD, Panic Disorders, Generalized Anxiety, and Low self esteem. Ive had Low self esteem since I was a lot younger, but everything else was from one and a half years ago to now Jan, 31, 2016. I will get into all these issues soon, but I really want you to know this, stop worrying, if your a Christian like me we both know God can handle this let it go, the thoughts aren't real, God has brought you this far he won't ever fail you. Its been a year and half dealing with this and it really messed up my life, and this relationship I could of had, but I got in my own way. The good thing was that, since I realized I was worrying for nothing I started to eliminate my worry, I started to fight back for a change!!!
Now I will start from the beginning, I have had low self esteem as a child because of kids, my siblings, and even my own best friend would pick on me, of course things as a child may be exaggerated, but the teasing and "bullying" if it was that even really took a toll on my self esteem as a kid. I would smile or pretend it didn't hurt when it really did. This all occurred in elementary school and with the teasing I grew not to care about school. Middle school came and I had a new school and new people around and I didn't want them to hurt me so I built a wall a mile high maybe two miles so no one could hurt me like how I was before in elementary. So I shut everyone out and I had a few friends literally few, and was mean to others, I didn't know what to say or what to do, so I didn't say or do anything. I was so keyed on trying to control other peoples thoughts of me when thats something no one can control. I felt as if everyone was out to get me or judge me, and I didn't want to go back to my past of being ridiculed so I again shut people out. Seventh grade came and I decided to change, I wasn't being me, then in 8th grade I was really starting to change, I was nicer and friendly, a person I actually wanted to be. I still had no idea how to talk or do and after shutting people out all those years I didn't know what to say or do.
Now this whole time I had these addictions one was video games which I would spend all my free time on. Another addiction was terrible and was porn. So in the summer of 8th grade I really wanted to quit and I was going to High school. I knew that it was a sin at that point, but after quitting relapse was ensured. Knowing it was a sin overtime I quit I would be scared of all thoughts related to sin or similar so if I thought of something I now know as to be intrusive, I would pray compulsively. I would pray until I felt right, and I was thinking right. I was literally the thought police to myself and it was a vicious cycle. Intrusive thoughts, doubts, confusion, prayer, anxiety, thoughts again, prayer again, and so on until I just stop. So when school started I put back up my wall and did't what to say or do again, had one friend really and these cycles would attack me daily. This interrupted my learning I would pray in my head at school and at home aloud. So the new year came of 2015 after many failed attempts to quit, quit in Jan, and my life began to change. It wasn't easy, temptation has had a hold on me but now its crippled but camouflaged in a new color. With this addiction suppressed I started to be happier in my soul, I felt whole I was living a real Christian life I wasn't double minded no longer. I still feared these thoughts although, like as a child I did't want to go back to ridiculing, I didn't want to go back to porn, so every thought related to sin I prayed for because back there, my past is a terrible place, I didn't wan to go back. The prayer got more into a ritual for my thoughts and grew me more and more fearful of everything, I started to avoid things that would trigger the thoughts, and I was forming what I have now OCD, Anxiety, doubt, fear and other issues. Although I was dealing with this my life was so great I was happier and my wall shrunk gradually, then the summer came.
With freshman year over I was still addicted to gaming, every weekend all I would do is play games, so I felt I should quit, there were way more pros than cons. I would get better sleep, Im not doing anything productive, I felt there was something more to my life than this (which there is). Gaming also made me angry and wasn't enjoyable for a long time so I quit. Another mile stone defeated and glad to see it behind me. After quitting my life began to change once again, I still was getting worse with my cycles of rituals, and I didn't know what to say or do, but I was pretty happy. As time digressed I was getting to the point of these thoughts where Id cry or hit a wall or be angry. These intrusive thoughts made me want to scream out loud but turned into a fire in my heart, of confusion, frustration, guilt, fear, disassociation.
Then there was this one girl I really liked, for a long time. I liked her, but I thought she just wanted to be friends, she said it but she didn't mean it I guess. Anyway apparently she like me and I really liked her, I didnt tell her how I felt because I didnt want to lose her, even if she was my friend. So I didnt say anything (that could have been a wall IDK). Anyway I waited to long, and lost my chances... I was told she liked me, and I thought, "WHY FOR A Whole year and a half did I worry about EVERYTHING why...WHY DID I FEAR...DOUBT...Why did I..."

It was a brutal awakening, realizing everything was okay, and my head made me anxious. Look don't worry you need to let it go. The thoughts there gone. You decide what you do no one else, you can't control what every one thinks about you so don't even try. Live to your own standards with God in the lead. Love and live, don't fret about the thoughts of our feeble minds, we can't help it. God is the best judge he'll discern your thoughts.